Boundaries and A Bill of Rights

Boundaries and Relationships by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D., scared me. It’s not an imposing book (there are only about 250 pages); there are no freaky graphics, and the writing style is rather straightforward. I’ve owned a copy or two since February, but I was unable to start reading it and keep reading it until about a month ago. That’s when I let my unconscious finally tell me that it is the book that I’ve long needed.

While I still have one chapter and the appendix to read, the book has challenged me to take a good, hard look at how I relate to people and why I keep screwing that up. Doing this hasn’t been pleasant or easy, but it absolutely was necessary. What’s more, while I can say that the work has been fruitful, unfortunately I can’t say that I am doing a bang-up job of establishing healthy boundaries and maintaining them, and I apologize to any and all who have suffered because of the mistakes I’ve made. I am deeply sorry.

In the chapter I just finished, Whitfield provides a “Personal Bill of Rights” he put together with the help of participants in some of the support groups he has facilitated. I want to share them here:

1. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.

2. I have the right to discover and know my Child Within.

3. I have the right to grieve over what I didn’t get that I needed or what I got that I didn’t need or want.

4. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

5. I have the right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.

6. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.

7. I have the right to dignity and respect.

8. I have the right to make decisions.

9. I have the right to determine and honor my own priorities.

10. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

11. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.

12. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.

13. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

14. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

15. I have the right to all of my feelings.

16. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

17. I have the right to be uniquely me, without feeling that I’m not good enough.

18. I have the right to be scared and to say “I’m afraid.”

19. I have the right to experience and then let go of fear, guilt, and shame.

20. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgment, or any reason that I choose.

21. I have the right to change my mind at any time.

22. I have the right to be happy.

23. I have the right to stability, i.e., “roots” and stable healthy relationships of my choice.

24. I have the right to my own personal space and time needs.

25. I have the right to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.

26. I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so.

27. I have the right to change and grow.

28. I have the right to be open to improve my communication skills so that I may be understood.

29. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

30. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.

31. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.

32. I have the right to take care of myself, no matter what.

33. I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses.

34. I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.

35. I have the right to forgive others and to forgive myself.

36. I have the right to give and to receive unconditional love.